Essay

I was sitting on the internet again, literally sitting on it. I had just left a message for Good Morning America, Eminem, Yelawolf, and my state representative Brad Wenstrup. I was alone in my apartment. I was always alone. I hadn’t been always alone. I had been full of friends. I had this real nice clique of african friends some five years ago and Stix, Marcus, Hakiym, and Khassa were the best friends you could ask for and then. Well, then the band broke up. I had an apartment and my spot was the crash spot for Marcus and Hakiym and it was like Marcus was like hey yo can I stay for like two weeks and he ended up staying for six months and it was my entire mental health team that started screaming at me to get that nigger out of there and I was like breaking the news to him that he needed to leave and I got hella confused and he was my best friend. He had stayed with my folks and me for a year and a half after we met in Public Allies and I watched him make music in FL Studio and then when I got my small as shit apartment he moved in there because I was a cool person to live with and didn’t cause too much trouble and I was zoned out working on websites and learning web design online and working on my resum’e and then one night I was like DA FUCK!? You still here like I didn’t notice him for three months or something and he was like smh and I went back to making web sites and then my case manager and my parents and my land lord were like you can’t have him there and I was on him every day and I was being told to throw his things outside the apartment but I wasn’t that cold hearted and then right as he moved out Hakiym was like hey can I stay the night with you and he went on to stay with me and was the reason I was evicted when his and he’s in his 30’s with a wife and three children 19 year old girl friend failed at stabbing him in the neck with a knife went outside and kicked in a window to the complex and then I had to spend a month looking for a new place and khassa decided that I stole from him after I wrote a book for him and he schized out, talking mentally ill here and felons and I’m working on proving my mental health and my friends are felons and non typical africans and like it’s a mission to explain my situation.

I’m alone in my next place. I’ll save you the entire ordeal I went through with Marcus, Stix, Hakiym, and Khassa but I have had friends before. It’s a lot of drugs and violence and and business and maybe I’ll get to it later and turn this narrative into a convulsive piece of work. I’m alone in my apartment right now and since I don’t have any friends I’m treating twitter like my friends and I’m 38 now and they say unemployable so I have to write something to make it in this world and it’s not like my life hasn’t been interesting.I’ve toured, been overseas, graduated from University after 11 years study, performed at open mic’s and like that’s all over now. I’m square with rounded corners now from spending time with so many circles. I’m too circular to work in an office and too square to sell weed. I’m sitting here right now with a joint I bought the weed from Aron and I’m just slightly high because all I did was take one hit, want it to last me, but you know what, I’m racist now. Not Klu Klux Klan racist more like something new, some new kind of racism that started with me, something that came from experience with africans where I was told the reason things didn’t work out is because I legitimized someone’s hustle and that’s the last thing you want to do in africa is actually do something. Cultural differences when I do something I actually do it.

This little joint I rolled has some of that nice regular weed in it that gives you waves of euphoria when you smoke it and I’m sitting here listening to Demi Lavato and I could write about the tragedy of my life, of which there has been plenty, I wouldn’t consider being psychiatrically hospitalized a tragedy but I would consider being psychiatrically against your will some 30+ times a tragedy. I’m behind, I’m broken, I’m with University Degree and I live in a city that wonders why I don’t move to New York City and it’s because my family that controls my finances won’t allow it. It’s not like I can take my social security check, pocket $700 and head to NYC and make do for a couple day until I find the homeless shelter and it’s not like my finances are in my name no back in 2006 when I was first starting my social security disability check they had me sign a legal document high on whatever med they had me on and I signed over to my mother my social security disability money and it’s impossible to get it back in your name and if I had that money I would probably travel to New York City and make it on the streets but my family has me sitting in my apartment in North College Hill, which is where I am right now on a dell computer my family bought me with internet access my family pays for and I’m alone. I’m can’t afford to go the bar and can’t act right at a bar lonely.. I get banned from bars pretty quickly because I’m not bar culture I used words like GRADUATED when I’m at the bar and it just doesn’t work out.

I was never in the fraternity system at the University of Cincinnati and I never really partied but I did smoke weed lonely like I’m doing right now with this dime sack I bought that was delivered lovingly by Aron. I just had to become someone that did something like this and I’m alone writing right now listening to Tell Me You Love Me by Demi Lovato and I heard she had an overdose the other month and that’s tragic but like Chester Bennington from Linkin Park killed himself and that’s inexusable and I thought Chester was some kind of genius and then I listened to an interview with him and realized he had a stunted christian vocabulary and I’m not part of society but I am working on becoming svelt I just have to eat my fruit and I’ll be thinning out. I’m currently eating and gaining weight and I need to be eating and losing weight but I think with my final meat stockpile in the freezer and my horde of vegetables that I can do that too. 

I’m one of the performers. I’m one of the people that entertains people and this is the tool I use to perform my salvations. I have like an amount of writing that I have done that’s otherworldly and this is my latest idea. I thought to myself write something in first person and stand there with your paper in hand and send this electricity through the wires and get this published. I have written fictions and please believe this is a fiction, I’m not really smoking weed, but it makes for good fiction. I’m playing with the first person and maybe I’ll do that more often.

Like a human being that’s just meat just here to wander through life get assigned a task fail at performing that task collect a paycheck and then breed and bring into this world it’s replacement. That’s one of the reason’s I’m not sweating not having children right now because I’m working on building my career and I don’t think a child is something I can support right now and I know it’s my replacement like that’s how life works, you get here and then you experience what you experience and then you replace yourself and the system continues on with a new generation of people and like Klan Style racism is like racism as religion, I just think so far the africans that I have experienced are the most fucked up people that I have ever experienced so like now my body is like NOT going to spend time with Africans and like in my business life if I get to the point where I can hire people I’m not going to hire africans on the basis that in the business I am in you can do it yourself. I see a lot of people NEEDING europeans and I’m like you shouldn’t NEED us, it’s a world where the European in it’s history set up the ground rules and now people think what we did was real like that’s how to do it, like it’s the only way of doing it, like Europeans make shit up from the ground up and our politics and religions are religious show business. Like knowing Africans espouse DEEP religious beliefs in JESUS is outrageous to me but I know they do like to preach to the point they have to take out their rag and wipe the sweat off their neck. That african’s are deeply involved in a European religion is outrageous to me, and like the only other ratinale is that Europeans are involved in an african religion deeply and that Ethiopian Coptic text is the origin of European Religion and we with our built all that is buildable selves never built a religion. I actually don’t know but based on what I have experienced I would say that crucifixtion never occurred in Ethiopia so it’s probably Africans extoling the virtues of European religion, that’s what I think and that’s strange to me. 


Khassa got me hip to rastafari and Hallie Selassie is the return of Jesus Christ, I’m like cool, I’m glad Jesus Christ returned, it does seem like an audition. I think that Jesus Christ was a man that was a criminal and that Judas had the right idea, turn that dick into the cops. It just made sense to me after reading it some youth is out making a mess of town and Judas plays the role of police informant and that’s how Jesus went down. .Fucking putting mud in people eyes, and I think that was a trick he did like the man that had the blindness that needed the mud wasn’t really blind and the mud he used wasn’t really mud but was fecal matter and that man learned he could see now that he had to wipe the shit out of his eyes. Fucking asshole jesus. Then you have Jesus fucking flipping over the money changers temple’s tables and like people were out after him like it’s a classic story of some hood fucking with bad parents turning out to be a shitty person and hell yeah jesus is the star of our world religion it’s the most common story, it’s the theme, bad parenting and adopted children who had bad parents fucked up in the head not doing their school work, not studying, not generating art or utility getting involved in a gang culture and the leader is always the person that had the most fucked up story but that is the person that we treat like the star the most often and quite often that’s the person that gets the most punishment also to try to at some level get it through to this person that they need to chill the fuck out.

I’m just like I won the mega million dollar lottery, I got the ticket right here. I’m going to donate it to Brad Wenstrup’s Campaign and fund his rise to governor and then he’s on his own but as stupid as this is being a winning lottery ticket owner. It’s stupid. Citiies should enter the lottery and a city’s chances of winning is based on that city buying tickets and Cincinnati needs to win a billion dollars you don’t. I’m on my way to bring my ticket to the mayor so that he can cash it. I don’t need a billion dollars that’s pretty much the life I have right now. This is my lotter ticket. This is the ticket that I am crafting myself. I am banking on a literary agent, some agent, thinking this would sell, something real, something that’s not artifice. Something literary for the world of literature where someone wrote something. Then I can apper on the television show like Christopher Hitchens another fucked up writer that states that GOD does not exist, but that’s not really me, I’m a fucked up person that states GOD does exist it’s a word in a book someone like me wrote and you don’t question shit about your smart phone or the internet but an author starts taking an authoritative stance on a document and all of a sudden you’re a follower of a sheet of paper and are willing to take donations to read that sheet of paper to a congregation and give your thoughts on it. The power of the author. Mysterious as shit to me. Some of the educated people that you hated as children turn out to give you your entire intelligence and it’s based on pascifying the violent meat. The meat that is slightly more educated now than it ever had been, I’m talking about the people that mill about the world leaders that are having a decent cogent conversation and the meat that just mills about in between the people that build this to be what it is and what it needs to be.

 

We have our city’s and we have our institutions and now we just need to keep grinding and build in my opinion we need public school to be a world religion. I’m sitting here smoking my joint and feeling good and I’m like it would be nice if public school was a world religion or at least recognized as one because even the religious are public school adherents. Like it’s the story of a religious world that had few books and so they taught from the only decent books they had and then text books came out and now there are dozens of decent books you can learn from and the University is there for the kids that prepared throughout their high school careers to learn how to read amid fist fights and fucking and high school is where you wondered if there was something wrong with you and university was where you learned there wasn’t and television is appealing to the lowest common denominator with the content advertising poorly thought out thoughts and the advertising advertising poorly thought out products in desperate need of people to know for certain that being on television gives you authority because SO MANY PEOPLE view you and your paycheck is so large and you’re sitting there filling up a box with content so that the box has value and it’s a business where if you want to be in the box industry you have to keep that thing filled whether you know what you are talking about anymore or not you’re in the box industry so you have to fill that box and shitting on education and pointing out you don’t have to be intelligent to make it in this life, you have to be intelligent if you want to make those boxes and if you want to work on the new box that’s a free for all of anyone can play that wants to play and you use key words and buzz words to keep a society at your mercy because hey you’re in the box that makes you someone and i know where the shit comes from and anyone can do it and television is evidence of that just anyone doing the writing for a show and the writers get treated like garbage by talent that is insilent that someone would write their words for them because maybe the writer’s room is the important room and the authors of the teleprompter are the important people and you’re talent you get lusted after the author’s get the quality lives and the conversations and the low pay because stupidity that networks still needs to be in important positions that people like randy little and johnny carson used to fill and now you see how to do it and there’s not a thing about you that’s original which is what people need something original but now you have these schools teaching people how to be like johnny carson and randy little and they are called broadcasting schools and you don’t even have to be in broadcasting to get on television you can be a former foot ball player and you can be sitting there with your football player background in front of the entire nation espousing your gap toothed ideas on whip creamed filled balloons that we’re going to pop for this next fund raiser we have on television for mesothelioma and we’re going to walk a 5k to fight cancer because reading a text book on biology is just too much work and let’s be honest you’re meat.

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