the start of something and the admittance i don’t like reading anymore i just like to write

I need to keep blogging. I need to keep doing this. I need to find a way to write a work of commercial fiction and do this .Or write commercial fiction instead of this. What I write every day I could be writing in a cohesive work. I could be working myself into a lather and work my way into a motion of epileptic fixture. I just saw some colors in the cohesive space in front of my eye. I don’t know why life got harder recently but it got harder and I need to do something to make some money. I don’t have enough money. It’s money that i need to trade a work for. I have a commercial work that i can generate. I can write to keep the writing coming in. I have had enough life experiences that I can draw upon so much. I have to figure out what it would be about. I have this here … it’s the start of something the essential start of something … i don’t even know what it is anymore i have to go through it and i don’t think i can read anymore … i don’t want to read so badly it’s like this everpressing desire not to read that lingers in my head i’m far enough along in my writing career that i don’t want to read anymore but i have this document below me that i need to read …. i’ma do that now …

i just read it and right on at the beginning i read about the weed and i might write about being sober from weed … i don’t have much experience with that though … i’m not this writing anymore …

 

 

 

It was a dark and story night and he was just wondering what it was all about. He was just wondering if any of it made any sense. He was smoking a joint. He was about as high as he wanted to be. He took another hit and decided that he was gonna roach the shit out the rest of that joint. So he put it in the ash tray so that he could get high later. He had some spacing out to do. He put on some DJ Shadow with his dell infinitium computer and he leaned back in his chair and just started thinking. He knew he needed to start something but living on Social Security Disability Income and spending most of it on rent left him with not many options but he was going to do a brute force creative think and he was going to think of something. He went through all of it. Moving from his apartment to New York City to start off in a homeless shelter and work his way up with his University of Cincinnati Degree and get a job and do what? He ran into that and do what? What was he going to do in New York City? Was he going to get into acting he didn’t think he looked the part and he was 30 pounds overweight. What was he going to do? He had a computer he could code. He thought to himself he could code something he had the idea for a game he could code that was where you take the mouse click down and scroll out a rectangle on the screen and if you get a score based on the longest side being subtracted from the shortest side and you want to score a square which is a 0 score and you scroll out 5 squares in 5 seconds and your final score gets tallied and you got on the leader board and it keeps track of who gets what score in order sort of like golf. He could do that. It would be a decent programming exercise. What else could he do? He could go on meetup.com and spend $14 a month to organize something he doesn’t know what to organize he doesn’t know who would show up and he doesn’t have anywhere to meet. He lives in North College Hill and he’s on twitter writing @ABCNetwork and he just got done spending 6 months writing WCPO and City Council and the Mayor last week he was a city hall speaking to the mayor at a meeting in regards to if he could even email as many times as he emailed.

He was fascinated with emailing newsdesk@wcpo.com and citycouncil@cincinnati.com and mayor@cincinnati.com and he coupled the email addresses together and he just wrote them casually with a determination that was astonishing he got in tune with a better way of writing writing them. It fascinated him that he started off writing them in a homeless shelter that was the end result of a 2 year long stint in the system that started when he got spooked by his apartment and well he thought his apartment was being filled with a strange gas because he kept forcefully blinking a lot and he almost crashed his car by falling asleep at the wheel 8 years ago when his mazda 626 had a carbon monoxide leak and he blinked a lot in his mazda so his apartment had a similar affect on him and he called the fire department two nights in a row to check for anything and he didn’t think they knew what they were talking about because it was dirty air and no one could tell him different so that next morning after the two nights spent outside he walked downtown and just lived downtown for 7 days and stayed at the casino when he needed to sleep and didn’t eat much and got so tired of walking his entire body hurt and we’re not talking hurt it was like a curious body ache that took over his arms and his legs and his torso and apparently the greatest work out you can do is to walk for 5 days in a row just blending in down town having given up on the apartment but your feet get fucked up and your ass cheeks burn from chaffing and it’s hell and he called his mom and was like I’m downtown and then one night he’s at the aronoff and he’s in an art exhibit that asks you to rejuvenate yourself and he’s washing his feet and he asks the docents to call an ambulance because he can’t make it any further and they call the police instead because people can be dicks and the police came and they hustled him to stick around and then they put him in hand cuffs and took him to the Summit Behavioral Healthcare psychiatric clinic where they take him in and that was then that was 2 years ago but right now he was at his computer staring at an apartment that he found on craigslist and his mom is pleased with his progress at the apartment for the last 6 months and they said they were going to take him off probate and he was taking some medications lithium benzotropine and palperidone and he also had a thrice monthly invega injection and his psychiatrist is overweight so he doesn’t really listen to his claim that these medications cause weight gain and he lets him know that they do and he’s like that’s a major problem I need to feel sexy and he’s like check your age you’re not going to feel sexy for the rest of your life and I was like you won’t feel sexy for the rest of your life and he was like alright you might but not unless you drop some weight and he got up and patted his stomach and then this guy this man that’s 38 years old and just lost 2 years of his life to the system where he ate like a bird and didn’t work out and got to talk to women and got to work in computer labs and record and album and help cook and he’s sitting here wondering if any of it happened like did the past even happen? Did it? Was there only the moment? He even noticed that lately when he eats it seems like nothing is happening and when he smokes it’s like the cigarette is gone before he even smokes it and he knows the life he wants to live he knows he wants to eat the food he buys from the grocery store he doesn’t want to smoke and he doesn’t want to smoke weed and he doesn’t want to drink and he wants to just wrote or code what is he fucking supposed to code this figure this person that is this man that is outside of himself looking at him like a character and he doesn’t even know how to shape his own hair and he’s got this quaff that’s going to be long hair he assumes soon it’s going to be like he’s always had long hair once he has the long hair but he has to go through the getting the long hair process and this man has currently problems he just went two weeks without smoking 2 packs a day that he was doing for 4 months with the $2 packs of cigarettes that he just learned about at Montgomery House a place he stayed at after his 2nd stay at Summit that he went to for punitive reasons when he defended himself from some African American that waxed his head into his stomach with his extra greasy afro at the men’s shelter and for some reason that was behavior that they put on this guy the guy typing this and he had to live in the same building as that man even though he wanted him arrested for assault the night before but they won’t listen to this guy the police that is the police have a long history of arresting this guy and putting him in the mental health ward and he was diagnosed as bipolar and it’s been said that he thinks grandiose thoughts and talks fast and typically people check themselves in if they have a mental illness this was just kidnapping and accosting someone and they imposed their views on this guy and his story is one of mental health and he still has to make it and he still has to own a home and meet a woman and raise a family and his writing style is being called into question and on reddit and facebook people tell him that he needs grammar skills and he points out that he doesn’t even argue with them but he has been writing for years and this is how he writes now and some rookie teenage grammar school cadet might not know what the language is capable of but if you have a strong vocabulary skill set you don’t have to feed people skittles for your sentences you can write earthy long breasted sentences and you can invent words and chalk them up to neologisms and no one ever talked about long breasted and its hard to imagine where this writing comes from but it comes from people like me writers actual writers that write day in and day out and never get to the point where they are going to write like anyone else no one else is going to write like me and maybe he want’s a reputation for his writing and he’s exploring something and this makes sense to him and so he’s writing the way he thinks is comfortable kind of writing you can only do with a keyboard if you know how to type and can type at top speed modern writing contemporary writing writing that gives you red lines but you ignore them because you know more than the computer scientists that developed the grammar software and you’re starting at this world like you’re the only purely conscious entity and you see people lost in their worlds and no one is intellectually advanced because 94% of you are in the rat race where you have to make this money on a regular basis and you have rent to pay and some mental health patient got pulled out of society and was thrown into apartment and they had a design degree and a English literature degree and they just had this time to think and they saw something that was like ya’ll ain seeing what I’m seeing you’re not seeing the prevalence of church and how common it is and how people do a little dance and then have to do the little dance every week to make this church work because they need that much money people that need to meet once a week because the economy is structured such that you need monthly rent and the church has to pay the rent of the church and the rent of the pastors and the church secretary and it hasn’t been about culture in centuries it’s just an epic dance to get the rent money and I got pulled out of that for a time and now I get to write and he doesn’t know what to write he just knows he needs to write and he scanned the fiction titles and he found that there was a lot of fodder just a lot of paper being printed with any kind of story on it that hit a certain page count and he wanted to write something original and he has nickspoems.com and he did some reading and he found he’s right at that age when people start publishing for the first time and now he has something to write about and it’s just nothing writing is something that he loves to do and he thought he would write this for you and in writing this he was thinking to himself that there’s not much to write it’s people doing things and he wants to think of something alien and the only thing he can think of is a literary device that’s a piece of software that generates all the writing that is possible and that there is a photoshop application that let’s you morph the text so that you can undulate the story line and it’s a majestic piece of software that starts small with randomly generating combinations of letters and he might write about a world where that’s real something in a top secret office and then he takes it further and has every possible pixel combination and color laid out and to the inspired extent if we explored a set of randomly generated images and then use rocket boosters to power a processor to process data that would fill up hard drives and if we looked into the rest of what is with a processor and and a piece of software and then had software that explored the software and it’s a world of worlds where we could find 10 aliens on alien worlds and 1 of them we would go on to find is actually what an alien looks like and we knew at the forefront to not worry if there are more advanced alien civilizations than earth’s to just assume and to just know that we are at the peak of it and I won’t debate a flat earther because I know they’re an atheist that set their sights on just being stupid so that they could point out that there’s nothing wrong with being stupid but I’ll religiously posture that the earth is at the center of the universe and that quite frankly it’s at least in the center of the observable universe that this is our space that is our crab nebula that is our sun that is our planet mars and that that that is our planet Jupiter that this belongs to us and we’re here fighting over dollars and cents when we have an entire universe we could be exploring and sending satellites out into or we could be exploring inner space with quantirods of collections of images and we could be exploring the dreams we have with the technology they have at berklee that images dreams and we could be generating realities to observe and we could be exploring inner space and we could be just knowing we are at the center of it and experiencing a feeling of serenity that comes from knowing you’re alive and that’s the entire accomplishment and now you have to farm and kills animals to survive and we’re building lab raised meat so the dawning of the animal kingdom is at hand when humans have no need to kill an animal because we have our meat that we can eat generated in a laboratory and we can be living a utopic vision of the future.

 

The future is something that you build. It’s a thing that you create with your own hands and it’s collectively created and our predilection to a society that has prisons and weapons da fuck is wrong with you at the photograph of earth from space 50 years ago there was no need that day for war to continue we know where we live now we can all see it we know that he’s over there and we’re over here and this is all there is and there is no longer a need for a military presence on this planet to do what? To do what? What is the military supposed to do? There are some people that want to fight? For what? For what do people still want to fight? I have only ever had to defend myself against the people that never got education I had to fight with marcus allen, chris ogg, eric smyth, richie cooper, big meech, hakiym shair, and khassa selassie and wendel and I had to fight those fights and I was getting straight A’s the entire time to because why because my family values education and for some reason your family doesn’t for some reason your family is educationally lackadaisical and that’s not my fault or the fault of my family but you people that won’t read books when you’re kids it’s an excellent selection of books for kids in the fiction section but you have to be a kid to read them and you people that just never pursue excellence in the classroom that it’s possible for you to get the wrong answer means that there is something wrong. It used to be when you had a kid you had to educate it and what would you teach your children? What are you capable of teaching your child? Did you get the books? Do you know a thing you can teach your child? It’s all superficial living in this nation as we have so many people we just have to do the least there is to do but there is a future that requires harder thinking thinking of alien things that no one ever thought of before like notes that don’t exist or that can’t exist or something similar the note that we need we have audio photos video and typography and we have to blegurt into this and develop a furthering of the language that just keeps shrinking and we are all in this together and the show got us caught up in watching our navel and no we don’t need a military we don’t need a military on this planet though we don’t need to defend ourselves from aliens because we’ve looked and there are none to speak of we are the aliens.

 

We are the aliens look at our culture we would invade another planet when they are in a different gravity pull and they have a different atmosphere and whatever is out there looks directly different than me just a slight difference of the gravitational pull changes the ratio’s for everything that exists that is life the ratio for life is the same on this planet as it needs to be for life to exist you have life that can exist in all conditions but you need to search for gravity well’s similar to earth’s to find life similar to earth’s if you have a fat ass giant planet the difference in gravity is going to give you truly alien things to look at and it’s because the ideal relationships on that planet are going to be different and there is life on other planets it’s just not as advanced as ours earth is an old planet and life sprung up quickly but this might be fore us that there is a god so powerful that gave us all of this this all belongs to us and when we encounter aliens they won’t have cesna’s their gravity won’t allow it and they it’s just not possible for their to be life on other planet’s we’ve looked and if there is I’m not there and if I’m not there it’s not as important as where I am I am the ultimate level of importance especially to myself and after the abuse I went through that left you can all think that you can think to yourself and this is why we should explore inner space and why we should study dreams and we should explore who we are and we have a society that picks you as important based on the way you look or the way you sing but what about based on the way you think that seems to usurp the entire hegemony of society that your importance is to be based on how you sing or how you look or how much money you have but the one crucial element and component of all of this that should determine who is or is not important is how people think and that takes into account you bipolar and your schizophrenics and your derelicts that you need to look to your tossed aside ones for insight into how to pursue a future because katy perry doesn’t have it in her and we’re in this status quo situation and nothing is being discussed in the show about a need for new ideas and shark tank is a show that discusses new ideas but it’s about cash again and I need more cash for what? For what? FOR WHAT? WHAT DO I NEED CASH FOR? WHY DO I NEED TO EXPLORE THIS WORLD WHERE I CAN’T JUST LIVE? You were born first and then you let me know I had to dance to get this thing that you had a lot of just a system of old men asking youth to dance for them to keep the show growing and it’s broadcasting and it’s just that casting women to play the role of subject of television people that don’t ask too many questions and it’s all built to fall and it can’t fall unless someone writes it out and it can’t fall and reborn itself without a hitch unless I’m just stuck alone and exploring my brain and there is so much here about the processing of pixels so that you get every combinations of pixels possible and we could be exploring randomness we could be exploring the random equations that we come up with and outside of ourselves we could find things that no one ever saw before if we build something that shows what we have never seen before without inspiration there is no invention and when we have the finest database of images randomly generated we could explore outerspace inside a computer and not even practice explore the apex of art which was the computer that was processing images and sounds and video sequences and combinations of letters and it was the most powerful computer and we needed a most powerful computer for something but what? WHAT DO WE NEED A POWERFUL COMPUTER FOR? We started painting the images and it’s like it was destined to happen it’s the computer taking it’s fully position and place and stature within society when it’s what on it’s own with some seminal software poached into that we would once the software is written with basic notation that we would get all of the images and all of the audio and all of the all that there is all of it with 255 black 255 red 255 green and 255 blue we could combine them in all the possibilities within an image structure and then I had to know what I was going to do before I did it and I’m just blacking out and staring at my mind and typing and I am scrying really when you get to the point that you get red lines on your writing but you know that you know what you are typing when you’re at an age that you know you’re as good as what you do as you are and you’re building betterment at it and you’re just exploring yourself and as the ideas come to you you generate them into the writing and I’m bipolar I figure that’s my sales pitch I think big and talk fast and I also think deep and type fast and it’s a measure of alignment with the exterior forces I feel that I write what I write I write what needs to be written and my place is among the stars that shine in the sky and I am the tantamount of good breeding gone into art at the last moment when there was nothing left to say that there would be someone that is self important that the phrase self important how do I got about becoming important to you? David muir never had me on his show I’m broke with an apartment the fact that I’m 6’4’’ isnt’t enough for you an oldest born of two oldest born and alpha of two alphas and that is what an alpha is it’s a first born I did some thinking into what a nebulous thing like an alpha would be an it’s a first born and my grandmother is a first born and her daughter is a first born and I am first born of her and my father is a first born in his family so I am a first born’s first borns first borns’ first born’s first born and there are places in ancestroy.com that could solve some mysteries like what are the lives like of the alpha’s? is it really everyone else that has a conniption fit to being alive because they are innately jealous at not being first born the one thing you can’t be if you are not it is first born and I am first born and I was abused in every possible way by everything in this this is a hard reality to live in and the things you do are easy but the emotional turmoil is heavy and I sit at my studio desk and I just write I just capitulate the cosmos and in this space in the universe I write the writings that an oldest of the eldest would write and I am in the position to write and this is fast writing coupled with educated living and just so that I could avoid being like you I wrote this and I put my intelligence into this and stated some things that educated people discuss and I got haughty and was embarrassed by my situation in life and I had to make something of this even though I had SSDI money coming in paying my rent but if I didn’t do something I wouldn’t be able to pay my rent eventually and so I was writing this writing and exploring this ejaculation of the human spirit onto the written page and I was typing at 75 wpm and I was getting the thoughts out there.

 

Destined to be next in line in my family the accusations of mental illness led to a demonstrative dismissal of me as any form of leader and so I write now and I take the time to climb through the spirits in my mind with a glass of spirit in my hand with a rolled cigarette that gives me the holiest spirit and I just bake into myself I just bake and he’s just sitting here trying to be something that he could only ever be and it’s something that’s only the thing he could be sitting in a chair at a desk and he knows what to do with a desk and he’s sitting here and he’s typing out these words and his personal essay sometimes get’s psychotic but this man that can let himself go and explore his inner turmoil is someone that you can count on to bask in the glory of all that he has ready for the reaction to the writing that he is penning and he’s ready for his website and he’s writing another book so that he can add it to his website and he’ll promote his website and see what people think of it and he’ll just be a quiet writer as rights and money and all of that doesn’t interest him as much as publishing to his website and when he get’s some cash from his next job he’ll spend it on cost per click advertising and he’ll sell ads worth more than what he spent on cost per click and he’s increase his traffic and that might be too much to invest in a hobby but it might be too little to considering it would be a way to make significant revenue and you can read me for years and I wouldn’t mind at all and there are ways you can go about writing and he was just sitting there wondering about himself going in and out of his head as I become him and he becomes me and we’re talking about the person that is writing this and the person that is writing this is the person that this story is about and it’s a heady adventure read and there’s nothing left to say really.
Chapter 2
He was laying on the couch staring at the music of Halsey and he was thinking about words. He didn’t think most people spent enough time with words to note that they are descriptions of sound we make to share information with another person. He noticed that words were just notes in a song and it wasn’t even the words that were important the words came after the song and when it was only song there was meaning in the notes but our song has gotten intricate and he sat there and stared at the ceiling and the ba ba bum ba ba bum bum  ba ba bum ba ba bum bum of DJ shadow resonated through his internet enabled  television and he had Pandora on Halsey had just played and he noticed the smokey vibe to her voice and then this song was on and he was just in his apartment that he paid $600 a month for our of his social security disability income and he made $700 from that and most of his time was spent killing time because he had no money to go out and play with and he did just get back from two years of shelter living and now he’s waiting on his social security card and then he’s getting his driver’s license and his folks are going to let him use the green van the one with the busted hood that has scraped paint on most of it and he was going to be a busted university graduate with a history of taking classes completing projects traveling and spending time in the mental health ward that just fucks with him he’s this alpha student that excelled in his classes and then he just get’s labeled as mentally ill and someone thought he was mentally ill as he remembers and they signed him up for a program and the next thing he knows he’s on probate and they are coming for him regularly and he’s just asking that they leave him alone and they won’t and his parents know there is something wrong with him and he smokes weed and stays up late and he’s experiencing University and they describe him as manic and he states he just drank a pot of coffee and they want to take him in and it used to be voluntary and then they got this probate court involved that’s not a court you learn about in civic’s class and it’s a relatively secret court in that it’s little known and they have lawyers in there and psychiatrists and all kinds of people at that place that he just thinks there is something wrong with and he doesn’t trust their judgment the same way he doesn’t trust pastors and priests and most people that walk around in this world from his dealings with people and his knowledge that most people in real life discriminate against University Graduates and University Education they don’t discriminate against the money they make when they are making money but until they get a paycheck in their hand most people don’t understand the University because most people don’t go and the University presents most of the information that it takes for a society to survive and you get out into the real world and you realize it’s mostly doing for money every day and you need a regular client stream and for the most part you have to be charging hefty fees for a couple clients or charging not too much for a lot of clients and it’s people as I go on to describe what you already know he’s still in this phase of his life where he is describing reality dismissively like using phrases like that’s all it is and there’s not much to it and it’s just a cash grab and he’s talking about what he sees outside of what he experiences and quite frankly it’s an indignent attitude like his that is complicit with his teenage thought patterns and he’s convincing himself not to get a job which he needs to get and he got some job offers from indeed.com and now he’s just hoping he can function in an office and shower every day and not buy weed with his money and not eat at a restaurant every day and not buy smokes and not buy alcohol and not drink and drive and he just wants to go to work and come home and maybe with his transportation attend some meet up groups and get to know some people and try to take in some culture that seems like it would give him more adult characteristics and he has thought of going to church but he has issue with sitting through the ceremony because when the priest starts to talk he just walks out of the room and goes home and that’s what happened the last time he visited the hospital and now he’s thinking to himself language is just so delicate it’s so transient at any time the alphabet could add another letter to it and then an entire generation of children would come forward having read books that involve words no previous generation had ever seen before and they would be speaking in rabid tongues and creative expression with the language and a language that’s not dying is important but codifying a language and explaining that these are the rules are important too and you don’t want to invoke censorship because all manner of speech both enlightened and vulgar are necessary for people to get an understanding of what’s out there and if you see a plethora of language you hate then hate the people that produce that language and if you see a plethora of people producing language you love then love those people that produce that language and judge people that express themselves as they do but don’t interrupt the judgments and let language flow freely but in the editor’s position of the television station go ahead and take a moral stance and have a mantra that you uphold and make certain that the bad guy is the bad guy and the good guy is the good guy and exemplify that and go about your business extolling the virtues of both good and evil and try and explain for once why someone was murdered on this planet in the last 10 years and try and make it make sense because it doesn’t and in not making sense we are taking into account a world that needs to understand that murder is wrong and the biblical ten commandments are now laws but we need to go further than treat them as laws we need to codify the bible in elementary and high schools and teach the story of moses and the ten commandments in school and let this bedrock of the legal system rest supremely in students minds across the globe we do need to raise a law abiding cohort of students and teaching the ten commandments in school would be an excellent way of doing that and it goes to show how prescient a set of laws that set of laws are because as the jews that produced the ten commandments can attest to following those laws keeps your society in place for centuries and it’s a language construct that needs to be deified and there are families that never went to church for 10 generations and they need to have their children sat down and have it explained to them that you’re the next in line with your blood line and you need to understand these rules and they need to teach the ten commandments in jail and juvenile detention centers and you just need to know that these ten laws that start with I AM THE LORD YOUR GOD and your teacher needs to with brazen authority let these children know for certain that SHE IS THE LORD THEIR GOD and they shall have no other gods before her and the police need to let someone that just stole a car know that HE IS THE LORD THEIR GOD AND THEY SHALL HAVE NO OTHER GOD”S BEFORE HIM and they need to get real nitty gritty with these people and the bibles sit in jail and you can request one to read and it’s nothing really but you do need these people to understand these laws I watch television news and not enough people fear the Lord and the Lord doesn’t do a good job of being the Lord everyone is looking for the lord and the the lord is out there somewhere and somewhere there is someone Lording Properly and you might not believe in God which is a high ranking authority figure but you will believe in the Lord which is a subset of God and is the highest authority you have encountered to this day.

Chapter3
So he’s involved in his writing he’s involved in his ethos statements and his manipulations of the English language. His computer sits on a drawing desk and he has a blue plastic cup of coffee on the drawing desk. He has some speakers that he uses to listen to music from Spotify and he’s sitting on a desk chair.

 

He got up and went for a walk to see how far he could walk.

 

 

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